Four Loko Cruiser – The Bike That Refused to Die (Unfortunately)

Ever wanted a bike that screams “I gave up, but I still need to get to the gas station somehow”? Meet this absolute gem: a silver-tone, beer-stickered relic that was clearly forged in the fires of chaos and then left to marinate behind my shop by someone with zero shame and even less sobriety.

This "cruiser" comes pre-loaded with:

• Premium Jungle Juice energy (via expired Four Loko sticker, a warning and a promise)

• Precision-rusted bolts for that authentic “I’ve seen some shit” vibe

• Gently sunbaked seat by “Relax,” because irony

• Wheels that might spin, probably, if you believe in miracles

• Brake levers purely for aesthetic purposes

• A soul-crushing backstory that makes it the perfect gift for your worst enemy

Not tested, not maintained, not even wanted. But it is available — and honestly, isn’t that the American dream?

Pickup only. Or better yet, come take it while I’m not looking.